Take it easy!
by Annette Schwindt
My first apartment was in a former convent, where over the centuries a lot had happened, until finally, it was converted into an apartment block. In the basement was a cocktail bar with the apartments above being occupied mainly by singletons like myself. As one would not only meet on the stairwell but also time and again in the bar, a real circle of friends emerged. It was only later that I became aware that two of them had wanted to be more than 'just friends'...
One of them was Daniel. I had met him while working for the local newspaper. He was the one who had given me the tip that an apartment had become available in his block. From then on he saw me regularly. He lived at the other end of the U shaped house, at the back of the apartment block; two apartments away lived a Welsh guy called Owen. Owen was about to start his own business and was always stressed. From my apartment, I could look directly into his one on the other side of the courtyard. So, we always knew when the other one was at home. When I hung curtains in my window, he asked me all offended: "What's that about? Are you hiding something from me?"
When I had my birthday, Daniel and Owen naturally came to see me. Whereas Daniel left after a while, Owen first enjoyed my single malt and finally curled up on my couch. "Only a little nap" he murmured. I couldn't get him to go to his apartment. "Go on, sing me a lullaby" he begged; it was now close to midnight. Hoping to send Taffy to the land of dreams as soon as possible, I started to sing. By the second verse the song seemed to be doing its job; Owen lying peacefully with my toy duck Albert in his arm, not a sound from him. But, just as I was about to stand up, he opened one eye and whined "Go on singing pleeease". So I went on singing and after this song there was a second, a third, ten and who knows how many more as every time I wanted to disappear to bed, the Welsh guy on my couch would start to moan "Don't go! Go on singing, you sing sooooo beautifully"... I think it was half past three when I finally got to go to sleep. When I woke later that day my duck Albert sat alone on the couch again.
In the meantime, Daniel had observed the light in my window and the back door of the front house, where no Owen came out. So during the following days he didn't speak much. But it was to get worse for him…
Some weeks later, my best friend came to see me. We had just prepared dinner and were about to eat when there was a knock on the door. It was Daniel "Oh yummy, spaghetti!" He proceeded to sit down at my table and that put pay to our girls' night in. When we told him that men were not allowed tonight he wasn't at all impressed. He was only a neighbour, he grinned. But one man for two women? No! So I called Owen and asked him if he wanted to complete our circle. Much to Daniel's frustration Taffy arrived at once and tucked in to our meal. So much for a girls' evening...
After dinner, he nursed my single malt again and finally took it to the bathroom where he wanted to smoke a cigarette out of the window. Darkness had fallen, my friend, Daniel and I washed the dishes and then put them away. By the time we had finished Owen still hadn't got back from the bathroom. Instead we could hear continuous splashing from inside. Carefully I knocked on the door in order to find out if everything was okay. "Don't hesitate, come on in!" On opening the door I found Owen taking his clothes off and running a bath. He had taken candles in and arranged them around the bathroom. A glass of my single malt sitting next to its almost empty bottle caught my eye. "I'll have my bath now" he announced resolutely, taking off his boxers and sliding in to the bath.
Standing behind me the others were probably as surprised as I was. When I silently closed the door in order to discuss what to do next my girlfriend mischievously said "Well, you can't miss this opportunity!" and announced that she'd go home. Daniel on the other hand didn't find this at all funny and tried to convince us both to go to his apartment with him until 'The one in there' had stopped being nuts. I didn't want to leave Owen alone in my apartment though, and my friend preferred to go home. So again, Daniel had to leave alone through the back door but not before telling me to call him if 'The one in there' caused me any problems.
When they had gone, I had another look in to the bathroom where Owen was seemingly at home in my bath. "Don't you want to come in to the water too?" he asked innocently. I thought "Dammed right I do – it's MY bath, MY candles and MY single malt!" So I slipped in to the bath and enjoyed the warmth.
Unfortunately this didn't last for long; the water had become colder and colder and there was no water in the tank to top it up. "Take it easy" said Owen "I have an idea." With this, he jumped out of the bath and rushed, butt naked and dripping, to the kitchen where he used a pan and an electric kettle to get supplies for us. In a short while the procedure had to be repeated so, chivalrously, Owen jumped out of the bath and headed to the kitchen once more. From the kitchen came an almighty bang and a pained "FUCK!!!" was heard. I got out of the bath to find a soaking wet Welsh man lying prostrate on my kitchen floor, surrounded by pieces of what had once been my kettle. "You should never run on PVC with wet feet", thankfully unharmed, Owen managed a smile.
After he had dried himself and we had tidied up the pieces, he marched to the bedroom where he thought to continue the 'bath evening' with a night of love. Tipsy as we were, I agreed! Whoever is expecting romance now will be disappointed…
"I can only do it if I am bound" announced Owen who then asked if I had hand cuffs in order to restrain him on to my IKEA bed. Of course I had none which he duly noted shaking his head and, looking for plan B, he broke the bedroom door handle. Armed with a roll of Velcro strip he finally came back from the living room. This made me laugh so much that we couldn't think of sex anymore. Exhausted, we both fell asleep. I hadn't a lot of rest though as my bed fellow talked in his sleep. "Damn it!" he started to swear in the middle of the night, "but that is....OH NO!"
That morning I woke up bleary eyed from someone knocking on my door. Still sleepy I threw on some clothes and opened the door. Outside was Daniel who held up a bag. "Croissants!" he chirped and tried to come in. When I held him back hissing "shhhhh" he hissed back "Does that mean HE is STILL in there?" Without waiting for a reply he stormed off. I had just closed the door when Owen walked out in all his glory. "Was that Daniel?" he raged and he too, after putting on his trousers, stormed off out of the apartment.
After, what was in my mind, a rather too loud start to the day I headed to the bathroom to wash and dress. I was just about to have breakfast when my girlfriend called to get the low down on the bath dub Welshman.
I had hardly given her the update when again there was a knock on my door. "This time I have pies!" said a jubilant Daniel. He had apparently seen a half dressed Owen stumble out of the back door and thought he had a chance. In a flash he sat me on a chair; "Tea, coffee?" He prepared an extensive breakfast for me which he too shared.
We were just putting the dishes back into the cupboard when the telephone rang.
Owen! "Listen, I'll go in to town and buy something for lunch. Do you prefer
Bolognese or Diablo? Cause then I'll come, right, and cook something for you!
You know what? I'll buy both!" and with that he hung up!
Ermm...what?
"Was that HIM again?" Daniel fumed and ran out of the apartment.
What the hell was that?
Again I cleared up and had just finished when Owen appeared, sat me on a chair and set to work in my kitchen. Okay, if he wanted to cook for me, why should I say no? "Now we'll have good pasta!" he said happily and produced (thanks to instant sauces) an edible lunch for two!
In the following weeks, both men came and went, even if I wasn't willing to be more than a friend to them. Though to each other, they never spoke again.
This text by Annette Schwindt is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike 3.0 Germany License.
